I'm posting this here because I can easily see this escalating into something more heated in the normal Hangout. For context, I'm one of the few cousins left on both sides of my family that is unmarried. I'm generally fine with that, although that doesn't stop my grandparents- who are starting to really decline- from asking me about bringing over a girlfriend to the holidays. Since Monday, Ive attended 4 seperate Christmases and traveled for 4 hours after already traveling to my home state on Monday. So for me its a bit more complicated logistically than simply bringing someover over for a few hours. Luckily for my grandparents; I happen to be dating a fantastic, smart, funny, young woman. However; she's VERY Jewish. She barely celebrates Hannukah (traditionally a minor holiday) and doesn't understand Christmas but is willing to learn for my sake. She's someone I really see myself having a future with;and I care about her deeply. My family on both sides can be a bit crass. Especially with certain relatives when there's alcohol involved. At one point; my grandmother (who I love) made a comment that my pregnant cousin's name for her son isn't "Americanized enough". She's naming her son after her husbands deceased grandfather from Italy. My one aunt mentioned that Jewish people "ruin christmas by getting offended". Another complained that Jews (and other minorities) get "too many handouts and free stuff". Someone on Christmas Eve made a joke about Jews being greedy, rich etc. You get the idea. Ive been upset all day. After attending a disappointing and politicized Mass where I was basically ignored by the congregation for not being a regular and watching my bratty second cousins act like banshees over presents; I realized that I don't like Christmas. And I definitely don't want my own children in the future worshipping toys and chocolate while ignoring the holiday's roots. I also know that any kids her and I were to have would be raised Jewish. Ideally, I'd like any kids I have to be able to spend the holidays with their cousins and grandparents on my side of the family: but I don't want to hurt my dear gf by raising any kids "half and half" as kids from interfaith marriages would often saying growing up. I grew up as a twice a year christian and Im currently irreligious and don't care what my kids believe in. A major core part of my gf's identity is her faith; her great grandparents are Holocaust survivors. I brought all of this up to my Mom on the verge of tears. She said she doesn't have a problem with me dating someone from a different faith but I dont think she understood why I was so upset (she also complained later about having to say Happy Holidays and went on a political rant in the car about minorities shortly after). I love my parents and my extended family. But I also really feel close with this woman. I worry though; whats going to happen when they inevitably meet. Or what my increasingly crotchety relatives were to say or do if her and I were to get married (likely in a synagogue) or raise any kids in the Jewish faith. Anyone else have experience with this sort of thing? If push comes to shove; I choose her (and any future children) and "3000 years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax" over Santa Claus and drunk dogwhistling any day of the week (except Shabbas when her and I would be forbidden from working ). Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and a fulfilling Kwanzaa to any and all of those that celebrate.
Why wouldn't they want their child to be one of God's chosen people? Furthermore, why don't more Christians convert to Judaism in order to be closer to God. You'd be chosen after all.
Whats funny is that theyre not particularly religious. They just dont like things or people that do things or believe things different from them. I gotta say dachuda, I dont believe we agree on much but I'm glad we agree on this. I feel very chosen indeed to have this woman enter my life
That's a lot of simultaneously sad and funny BS you have to deal with during the holidays. If you're heading down the path you seem to be leaning towards, then you probably should prime your GF well before the next family meeting to be ready to deal with it the best way y'all can. It may be best to just put on those fake smiles once a year. Good luck.
Hey Juice, just happen to be in here monitoring my own thread. I’m a marriage counselor and a bit of free advice here. Most important thing is that can you and the person you’re with be aligned on principles and values that will determine critical things like: 1) career goals 2) parenting goals 3) roles and responsibilities of each partner 4) finances 5) probably most important in this case, boundaries with in-laws Etc If your cultural or religious beliefs cause you both to have conflict in any of these area you’ll need to date longer to see if they can be hashed out. if you be on the same page then your relationship can withstand the typical turmoil that comes with marriage. But then you’ll have to figure out how to set boundaries with your family. My wife for example just knows my family’s going to say stupid racist and ignorant things. then we decide on if we’re going to (in general) a) harmonize b) disrupt c) or detach. if we detach we just don’t spend much time with them. If we disrupt the time we do spend with them we know going in it’s going to be a fight if we harmonize than we decide that it’s best to just grin and bear it but decide how to limit out interactions. families are a mess man....and it all gets accentuated when you get married.
Im glad some of you guys are honest about racist or family members. A lot of members are given the political leaning of the forum I gives me some pulse on where the country really on this. Good luck in your relationship
Extended family gets overrated when you get married. Especially after you have kids. You could still love them and not be around them if they cause turmoil in your marriage. I would think you would need to convert to Judaism if you're going to raise your kids Jewish.
Easier advice to take if you are a man versus a woman. When a woman has a baby, the woman folk on her side of the family show up in droves. This is beyond the comprehension of a my man brain.
Depending upon where y'all live, your girlfriend has most likely dealt with folks like your relatives all of her life. What your extended family thinks or believes is irrelevant in the grand scheme of your life. You and your girlfriend are what matter.
I've dealt with this sort of issue in my family. Sometimes you just have to call it out because if you don't then who will? Once you start calling it out you'll notice they'll start to hold those thoughts back when you're together. In the end though we've become more and more distant and I'm good with that because we just have different values about what is important in life.
You really need to talk to your girlfriend about this. If you think think this might be a problem. Then maybe she's not the right one.
Here's the thing though; I've dated a lot of ppl. I mever felt the way I do about her. And I'd easily sacrifice my extended family to be wirh her
Who you choose to include in your life is far more important over those who you had no choice to include...
Do what makes you happy. Your significant other probably helps you more with your life than your extended family. Chose the entity that is more helpful and makes you more happy.
You're ahead of the game. And lucky, like myself, to have family that set a great example of how not to think and behave. I won't go into specifics here, but I've recently learned the hard way that, yes, you sometimes have to protect your significant other(s) from what might happen when you have a family member that's difficult to get along with even under good circumstances. In other words, if you really care about this girl, keep her out of harm's way as much as possible. You can still spend time with your difficult loved ones, but keep your girl away from them as much as possible, or you might find yourself in a position where she outright refuses to go anywhere near your family. Or you. She sounds like a keeper, BTW.
