Pre-Covid my wife and I went our separate ways after raising our 2 kids and getting them off to college. No fighting we just grew apart. Once I started dating again I met a nice woman whom I get along great with but we're in different places in life as she has an 8 year old son and my kids are grown. I was always up and honest about not wanting to be a step father or get married again. I'm happy to be a good influence on the kid when we're around and have taken them both on vacations and enjoy spending time with both of them when we're together. When covid hit she let me stay with them through the early part of the pandemic and I was grateful but once again I was honest and told her that was not where I was supposed to be long term and would be getting a place of my own (I was doing van life precovid) once covid let up a bit. I left her house in Austin later in 2020 and closed on my house in New Mexico in Feb 2021. We've continued to date long distance since then with them coming here and me going there for visits every couple months. This has worked fine until recently. I've quit being a hermit and started branching out, teaching yoga more often, and doing the hard work on myself, mentally and physically. I had lost 120lbs in 2017 but I let covid wreck my progress and I put 107 back on over the past 3 years. Now I'm determined to get back where I was before and working on it hard. For some reason this has lead her not to trust me. She doesn't like the fact that the friends I've made are mostly women of all ages from the yoga studio where I teach even though I've introduced her to some of them and talk openly with her about them and our conversations, hiding nothing. I've never gone out with any of them even for tea or anything else. But she doesn't like it. I've explained I have no intention of finding a woman to replace her in our relationship, and I can't help it if I haven't met any middle aged men doing the hard work on improving themselves that want to be friends. In my opinion without trust there is no relationship. I trust her but for some reason she's doubting me even though I've given her no reason to and have never once lied to her about anything. CF brethren... is dating long distance possible? I thought it was as we've done it successfully for the past 2 years with no problem but recent developments have me questioning its possibility.
To answer your question - I don't think long distance dating is possible. You can sustain it for awhile but ultimately, someone is going to have to move, whether it is you or her. However, you hit the nail on the head when you said that you trust her but feel that she doesn't trust you. When I was married the 2nd time, the wife hated me to play bridge and do anything on my own that didn't involve her. I sorta knew then that the relationship was doomed. We should all be able to be individuals even when we are in a serious relationship. If our partner can't see that, then they shouldn't be our partner, IMO. You won't see me with anyone unless they can handle that I have my own life with hobbies and interests and that they can do without me. No more needy and clingy women for me.
Bottom line in your current relationship: She's not getting what she needs out of it. The 'lack of trust' is a symptom of her unhappiness. Time for you to end it. I don't know why you would 'date' long distance. I mean, I get it, say you meet the perfect match online or someone who is traveling, but to me, if it gets serious, one of you makes a move to be closer. If all you're doing is casual dating for some light companionship and sex, why bother traveling? Pretty women are a dime a dozen in this country. There are freaking apps out there to meet women close to you. You own a home and are financially stable, that puts you above most single men out there. You're a catch.
This may be the very truth I was looking for. Thanks Xero Our definition what the ideal long term outcome is may also not be aligned and she's feeling the need for someone to be there to help raise her kid and that's not me.
Long distance dating works: TEMPORARILY. i.e. moving away for a few months for work...or college or something but the expectation is that it goes back to short distance dating eventually. If you meet someone in another city, someone has to move. And even then, it works temporarily with 100% trust. Otherwise, move on man.
I agree that long distance should be for the young with no real control over their lives (say college). Long distance dating should be relatively short term, not a years long afair with no end in sight. With the control over your own life you should not be long distance dating permanently. A way needs to be found to be closer together eventually or you might as well stop wasting time.
I would like to echo what Xero stated. You are being open and honest and you are doing the self-improvement work and its paying off. You're building friendships and it seems you are improving your happiness and self-worth. I shouldn't speculate on her mindset. However long distance relationships only work if it suits both sides well...which is rare. Perhaps she is content if you both are in the same place in life and now she feels like she is being left behind. Now that she is having trust issues, its becoming less convenient for you. It might be best to let her go for her own good.
Lot of good advice here so far. I agree with those that say long-distance is really tough to pull off, eventually one or the other needs to up and move much closer to their partner.
It's worked well for me with about a ~1hr driving distance (Austin). It worked for a little over a year for me with 2 girls in Houston (~3.5hrs) and it became obvious that I wasn't about to move back there and they didn't want/couldn't move closer to me due to their jobs. I'm also firmly in your "I don't care if you have kids, but I'm not interested in marriage" camp.
Red flags everywhere. I agree long distance can only work for a short period of time. Since you moved to another state, the hope she probably had that she could change your mind about what you wanted, even though you were very honest with her, is gone. If you dont plan on changing what youre looking for, it sounds like its just a matter of time before it comes to an end. Best of luck.
At the end of day, people will always change. What seemed workable for her before may not be workable for her now. I'm willing to bet that she's now feeling uncomfortable with the arrangement which is likely leading to her insecurity. Sounds like you've laid out your cards and been honest with her about your stance and considering this and her current ongoing insecurity issues, it sounds like the relationship is coming to an end. If I were in a long distance relationship like that, I would put an end to it if the initial understanding was no longer a term she was willing to accept.
Thank you all for the great advice. We're going to have an honest discussion this evening as I don't do heavy over text. I'll update this thread after that. A lot of good advice and perspective provided but I strongly disagree with this... IMO that POV is part of what is working against me. That and many women's previous relationships with men that have ended in cheating and hurt. Unfortunately this has lead to many woman having trust issues even when dealing with trustworthy men.
What do you want from the relationship? A ****-buddy every other month? What does your ****-buddy want? I strongly suspect that you may need to read her mind on this one. Most women want more than what you have offered.
