I was originally going to piggyback on the other relationship thread, but as I typed things out, I think my situation is a little different. Sorry for thread clutter, but I decided to make a new one. Long details: Spoiler I sort of mentioned this in one of the gaming threads, but a little over a month ago, my (now ex) gf broke up with me. Via an email (yea!). And after promising not to do so less than 16 hours prior to that. AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE XBOX ONE PRESS CONFERENCE! This was the first girl I ever really had strong feelings for (I'm pretty selective), so emotionally, it really hurt. I've tried dating a few other girls in the past, but didn't really get far enough to pursue a strong relationship (so haven't really had to worry about this problem before). We didn't really have the "usual" problems. I didn't suspect cheating (can explain, but pretty sure that didn't happen). No lying (well...except during the break-up period, though I might attribute that to internal confusion), arguing, religious conflicts, drug issues, etc. Also got along well*, and seemed to be deeply in love with each other (we'd occasionally throw out "later on down the line" comments). Yeah, I don't like throwing the L word around that soon in a relationship either, but it did seem legit (the Internet and its quizzes told me so!). In fact, I still don't really fully understand what the problem was. Everything was going great. One day, she stayed the night (we couldn't seem to stay apart from one another). We were talking about what we should do the next weekend (needed to "get away" somewhere and spend more time together), etc. Very good night. And then the next morning, as I/we were getting ready for work (I was going to drop her off at her place early since I start work earlier than she does), I "ignored" her and she felt a disconnect (not exactly true from my perspective, but that's what she felt). She expressed her dissatisfaction with that, and I said I didn't mean to hurt her (I was trying to give her space/time to sleep if anything), and that we could work that out (she seemed to agree). That was the last time I actually physically saw her. She essentially disconnected from me for the next 2-3 weeks. She was moving from apartments during this time (pre-planned, before I even met her, though I guess you can try to suspect something there), and I never actually got her new address, so I couldn't physically go see her. We chatted online and talked about how tough things were, said we loved each other still, could work things out, this wasn't a big deal, etc. But she continued to ignore the issue by and large, and wouldn't let me see her. One day (I was fed up with being ignored and not seeing her, especially since I felt like I did something wrong), I offered to go to counseling to help out. That got her to respond, though not in a positive way. More or less said we should probably not see each other. I said we needed to talk, she agreed, then the next day she broke up with me via that email (which didn't say much). I eventually got her to call me and get some sort of closure. She still loved me. She knows we should talk/attempt to work things out/etc., but she's thought a lot about this. Doesn't want to get hurt (or hurt me I think). She doesn't need counseling or to talk to someone else about this. She's decided to end things, it is her decision, she has free will, etc. I felt she was making a hasty decision, seemingly based on a misunderstanding, but whatever, that was what she decided. In her email, she said she wanted to be friends still (if possible), though of course I was upset with the idea at first. After a few days, I tried to reconsider. She had HBO Go access to Game of Thrones, after all, and I hadn't seen the last season yet. I was open to the idea, given that we didn't exactly hate each other or anything. If I could get over the negativity (and my feelings for her), why not try to salvage something good from this? Even in the disconnect period, we'd still share some laughs with each other. I emailed her back a few days after the break-up, and said I'd be willing to be a friend/chat pal/whatever, though I was going to need some time to deal with this negativity/pain (I couldn't even see/think of her without hurting badly). I told her I still wanted to go to counseling (by myself) to help with this, and maybe after a bit, we could see how things work. She emailed back and seemed supportive (told me how she's dealt with bad breakups, etc., although she did say some time apart for a while would probably be best). I go through some counseling, process my pain, try to grow/learn from it, etc. A lot of the things that bothered me no longer bothered me after a few weeks (FYI, we were only together for about a month and a half or so...depending on if you count the "disconnect" period). The only thing that bothered me was figuring out what went wrong (she never fully explained what bothered her and made her break things off...other than "we're just not on the same wavelength" and vague, contradictory things like that). I could guess, but given how badly this hurt, I didn't want to repeat this in a future relationship (whether that means fixing me or seeing these problems in partners much earlier in relationships). I wanted to grow from it if I could. This was a bit of a hang-up for me. Without it, I wouldn't have any problems moving on completely (I could move on without it too, but that didn't seem ideal to me). We had exchanged a few emails at this point (more so me than her I guess). She had expressed "worry" about talking at all but didn't want to be seen as mean, so I was trying to reassure her that I was fine, she did the right thing by ending the relationship (well...she did it the wrong way, but I did feel like it helped me overall, and maybe things couldn't have worked with the mind-frame we both had), etc. I had made the assumption that I was the "worse off" of the two, and so I figured I could tell her that we could end the "no contact" wall. I was better, and the only thing that would really help at this point (IMO) was talking, setting boundaries, figuring out what we each wanted, how we can grow from this, etc. Essentially trying to tell her not to worry. She didn't respond to that, and after a while, I realized she was probably worse off than me. Sent an (intended final) email saying I still wanted to be friends (or whatever she wanted), don't worry about hurting anyone, I can move on without talking I guess, etc. Quit worrying and do what makes you happy. Nothing after that either. I recently tried "socializing" a bit with her via social networking sites (not directly contacting her, but following her newest playlist to help me find some new music, stuff like that). Was hesitant about this before, but it was more than a month after the break-up, and I figured maybe it wouldn't bother her at this point. Guess I was wrong because I got a "Please don't contact me anymore" voicemail from her. Guess in hindsight, I should have seen that (pretty stupid I guess), but I wasn't fully aware of how she felt (guess I'm still not). Probably too late at this point, but I guess I'm curious if anyone has dealt with someone like this. FWIW, without sharing too many private details, I'll just say she's had some tough moments in life, especially in relationships (what a surprise!). This includes being suicidal at one point at least. And yet, she's never been to counseling (nor sees any benefit to it for herself...ironically stating that right after admitting to a major emotional/psychological issue). She has problems opening up, talking, being optimistic, etc. I'm a little bitter about this. I'm the exact opposite (one of the few differences between us), and I was trying to get her to see that her approach to this doesn't really work too well. Maybe that's partly why I still want to be friends, in addition to all the positives a friendship could bring. I can take this kind of pain and handle it "correctly," but I worry that she can't (or that she'll hurt someone else because of it). *FWIW, we were remarkably compatible in general. We met through OKCupid (if you know of that), and had like 99% match rating and 0% enemy rating. Not that I'd necessarily put a lot of stock into that, but even in conversation, it was creepy how alike we were. Part of that was why I tried to salvage something out of this, if possible. She was a Rockets fan, and even had some stuff signed by Hakeem IIRC. Short version: Bad break-up with ex (she dumped me). No cheating, broken promises, etc. She wanted to be friends, I initially didn't, but reconsidered. I'm trying to stop the negativity between us and focus on positives, but she seems worse off and doesn't want to talk. Probably ever. Not sure she even wants to be friends (despite what she said), although I guess I probably (unintentionally) screwed that up anyway if she did by trying to speed up the process. Anything I can do to help her? Probably not, but hey, thought I'd ask. Oh yeah, and she might have some issues (but don't we all?). Thoughts about being friends with an ex? Anyone ever deal with someone like this and find a way to get across to him/her? Or I guess I should just give up on that and stop thinking I can help her somehow, even when I see how much she's hurting herself (and me). Easier said that done I guess. In all honestly, I guess if she didn't even want to be friends (might have just been saying that to not sound like the "bad guy"), it makes sense that my behavior in trying to obtain that wasn't very successful (yeah, I guess I was a bit impatient, but I don't see any point in dwelling on the past, negativity, etc). On a side-note, while I was opening up to my family about this (for support), I ended up finding out some crazy bad stuff going on in my family that I had no clue about. Since I'm now trying to fix some of that bad stuff (family ignored it for the most part), I actually do view the break-up as a positive of sorts (lost one loved one, but might be able to keep some others). Crazy how stuff like that can happen. I'd probably have started dating again (would probably help with my ex issues), though I'm kind of preoccupied with this for the time being.
Not likely to happen because it'll get awkward for someone, once one or both get into new relationships. If not for you and her, then probably for your partners. It's doomed to fail. I think it usually only happens when the relationship wasn't that serious to begin with.
I'm in a similar situation, we were together for 5 years....and in my case **** did happen. We both screwed up, and I ended it believing it was the best thing for both of us. Being in a new relationship now, I'm not wanting to make things awkward for my new gf.
It is possible, i stayed Friends with my ex. Howere the circumstances have to be ideal imho. In my case we both agreed that it was time to move on. We just weren't happy anymore. First couple of months we didn't have any contact. I think that is also required, you both have to get over each other before you can see each other again. And start to become friends. It is also importent that both peole want to remain friends.
friends with my ex of 3.5 years where we lived with each other for over 2 years. She's in a newish relationship now and we broke up a year ago. We text each other a lot and just talk about random stuff. Although I haven't met her current BF yet but if I do then yea that would be awkward.
No, because most break ups are not mutual. One party still has feelings. Best to separate completely. It may suck in the short-term, but you'll be better off in the long-term.
I tried it once because we hung out with mutual friends a lot, but she kept making scathing remarks about me that just made it awkward for myself and our friends. And if I ever said anything about it, she would say I was just trying to start some s*** or acting like a b****, so I eventually started to avoid being around her. After a while, she sent me an angry Facebook message saying that I was avoiding her. I agreed that I was, and she thought I was putting a strain on her friendship with our mutual friends. I never responded. She messaged a few more times, all of which I ignored. She then started banging one of my best buds in college. I was more let down that I couldn't hang out with him anymore than I was jealous of her (by that point, I had already found the someday Mrs Haymitch). I didn't have FSN and used to go to his place to watch the Rockets, but after that I had to find a new Rockets viewing buddy, which was hard to do because I don't like people to talk to me while I'm watching the game. Anyway, my point is: I don't think it's possible.
Yeah, I wasn't expecting it to be easy to be close friends or anything. I was hoping to be "chat friends," or something along those lines at the least though (especially since we weren't together that long, though I guess it did get intense). Likely don't even talk about partners/personal life too much (if at all), but just IM each other, "Hey, have you played The Last of Us yet?" or things like that (I chat with some of my actual friends like that, and I have no clue what their personal life is like). I had a lot of fun chatting with her about silly things (things we like that few others like), so I was kind of hoping we could salvage that somehow. Being something more than that would be tough, I admit. My counselor seemed supportive of the idea, although only if she was comfortable with it (we could discuss how we wanted to interact, if at all). I probably ignored that last bit a little too much though (again, figured as I became more accepting of things, we'd reach that "mutual" level that would help us move on as friends).
I am really good friends with my Baby Momma. We get along so much better now, than we did when we were together.
This girl has issues ("suicidal") and you should be very grateful she broke it off. The question you need to ask yourself is why would you still want to be friends with her? To possibly get back with her? If this girl is pulling this crap after only knowing her a month, imagine what life would be with her for the long haul. My advice is to move on and don't look back.
it will be different for everybody, there's not a set answer for you. If you feel it's alright to still be friends and put aside all the feelings you had, then go for it. Never know, you guys might be right for each other, but just the timing is off.
Don't do it. It leaves the idea of getting back together open to at least one person. Also, history makes things hard to forget.
I just read your entire post. Heres my pessimistic troll response. The sex wasnt good afte she spent the night. She concoted some bs emotional cap so that she wouldnt look like a harlot in need of good sex. There probably was another guy in the picture. She was bsing when she said you could be friends. She doesnt really want that, she just doesnt want to feel guilty that shes dumping you because shes a ho. Shes not really worse off. She just plays it that way so the guilt will be transferred to you for the breakup. You following her playlist makes you sound like a stalker. Break off all contact with this girl before the creep label gets attached to you by her friends. [/troll rant]
