So Mrs B-Bob and I are friends with a couple near us, or we were. The woman just died of a really rare form of cancer, like a few days ago. She was middle-aged like the rest of us. We had the guy over the dinner last night, talked into the night, and sent him home with some food. Now we're moving into surreal quarantining and stuff, but set that aside for a second. What do you do for someone who's gone through a loss like that? I assume you just keep bugging them, asking them out, bringing food to them (he's already lost a lot of weight), and so on. Mrs. B-Bob and I lost a good friend, but he lost his beloved spouse and I want to do what we can. I know there's no one-size-fits-all set of advice, but if you've helped someone go through something like that or, heaven forbid, if you've gone through something like that, what helped? Thanks.
Actively check up on them -- most of the time we say 'call me if you need anything' but the person will never call regardless of how much they need support.
He might need therapy or someone to talk to for a while. I'm sure there are online options. A friend's mother passed away and the father was already on antidepressants for his own bout of cancer. Having strong family bonds help, but it's an entirely different phase of life that not many people are familiar with or talk freely about.
Completely agree with this. After a little time to settle into his new life, maybe help him find a hobby or interest that can help him fill the void. The alone time will be the worst...so if there's some sort of positive distraction to help, that may aide in his healing.
Thanks y'all. It strikes me, from what you're saying, that a lot of people probably reach out in the first month or so, but the months after that are probably even more important.
I didn't hit submit so super late.... Pretty much stated above already and what you're thinking, but it should help- Everyone handles loss differently, but I think if you can get him to do stuff with you guys or just bring stuff (like meals over to him directly) or really anything it'll help a lot (getting him to meet in person as a little time passes really helps I think). Even the hobby idea or regular plans w/ them, I think anything will help. Obviously with this virus situation it might complicate things, and this is already really awful even without the virus - and again, very sorry for your loss (I know in other thread mentioned it but, just wanted to say it again). I think if they do make us go on a full type lockdown maybe even video chat, I mean it's not the same as being there but it might seem better than just a phone call (especially if he doesn't have anyone at home). I honestly can't imagine what it'd be like for him, just sad to hear the situation, especially with how fragile life already is.
Definitely this. I'd be conscientious about nagging in the early stages. But always check in with social offers. Or to just have a chat via phone.
Sounds like you are already doing everything you can. There are no words that can ease the pain of loss. It can only make people feel isolated and put distance. What helps is just being there. Talking about "it" if they want to talk about it, or just talking about something else because a lot of time people just need a distraction from their grieve - it's not possible to process it constantly. Make them welcome and invite them over. Bring them food. Keep that up. Forget the words. Other than that, it's just time, lots and lots of time.
I don’t know, but thanks much. EDIT: I think I might have just woke him via text, offering a dog walk. LOL. He loves our dog and his wife was allergic. Anyway, I think dog walks will be a thing during this quarantine.
Just be there for him. Not always offering advice but just listening to him. That he knows whatever he tells you is confidential.
Yes...a thousand times yes. When my dad passed away, a number of his friends would call or visit my mother the first week or two. Then it just stopped. A phone call, an invitation to go out to dinner, go to a movie, or just to sit and chat would more than likely be most welcomed. Then, there are those that want their space. It could be a fine balance.
This is it. That person will be overwhelmed with (mostly) hollow touchpoints of people doing it for reasons more geared toward their own healing and self-preservation rather than doing it with any actual intent to benefit the person who is grieving. It's hard to tell when someone needs space vs. needs attention, but I've always found that nothing heals quite like 1) doing something good for someone else and 2) helping other people work through their own problems (i.e. gaining perspective)... I say that to say... maybe engage this person when you have a problem that needs solving... go to them for advice... it sounds counterintuitive, but when they're suffering under an avalanche of pity it can be very powerful to feel like you are useful and helped someone else.
This is exactly right. "Reach out if you need anything" is putting the burden of healing on the injured. Reach out to that person and give them a reason to keep going. Invite them out (or demand them out), ask them for help with something... just put a little wind in their sails... don't ask that they put wind in yours.
