Please Advice Please

Early congratulations! Great post. The old saw that "It'll change your life!" is some truth you've discovered already. Just a heads up. Two kids will seem like three, sometimes four.

I think most of us have friends or relatives who are struggling with their kids in one way or another. I firmly believe luck plays a large role, but putting aside luck, being involved with your kids as much as you can is the best thing any of us can do. We read to them every night before bed, and I took them to the library or a book store before they could walk. They often schedule entertaining readings for toddlers and older, and I'd take them. When they started getting report cards, if they were good ones, we'd go to Barnes and Noble or Book People here in Austin and I'd treat them to any book they wanted (within reason!).

Something that really had a great impact on our kids was getting them into a magnet middle school and a magnet high school here in Austin. There's a big difference between them and the other public schools, in my opinion. Schools can have an individual teacher or teachers who are superb, but magnet schools recruit those teachers. Both our kids started college with a year or more of college credit before they stepped onto the campus. It's a long way off, but something to look into later.

Man, have things changed since I was a kid growing up in Southeast Houston.

 

Nature/Nurture, right? That's why I think personality has a big part in it.

We're very strict on our oldest when it comes to homework and chores- these are first before any fun stuff, and he doesn't get an allowance, he makes commission - if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid. Of course, he has to do his chores, but if he misses them for any reason, there's no $. As for homework and grades, it's A or nothing and we have him do extra math daily. If he is struggling with homework we drop what we're doing and help.

Again, I do think it's a big part personality. He's completely satisfied to hang out and be with us. Nothing wrong with that, and I have no qualms that he will get a 'good' job and be able to pay his bills, marry Betty Sue, have 2.5 kids and retire well.

As for college, we're going to help with a STEM degree, but any art degrees are on him. We don't preach college for every kid, but he's too smart to not go.

His little brother, on the other hand, has already had five black eyes at three years old. He's probably going to be an MMA fighter.

 

I'd help him find a job that pays well where he's doing something that motivates him. People usually spread their wings when it's worth it to them. Then he can McFlop onto his own couch and not Dirk McFlopsky's.

 

Books are among one’s best friends.

 

Sounds like he doesn't really reply to your communications unless it suits his needs. I find this common among young adults of today.

 

Don't do it. You'd then have a 2 year old and 20 year old to take care of.

 

I see some similarities between my story and your brother in-law story.

I was 21 and a mess, lagging behind all my plans and really depressed.
Had no driving license(well i still don't have one but ill explain latter), still living in the same room i grow up in, working at a bakery just beacuse it was the closest place to my parents home.
All my friends were busy living the life i wanted and almost everyday i met my friends parents and had to hear about how successful their son/daughter is.

The turning point in my life was a bit unique, i discovered that i suffer from a rare disease that really changed everything for me.
from food and alcohol restrictions to meds, from healthy heart function to a skin condition and now i can't get a diving license until i get better.

I guess that this is not the situation with your brother in-law but i still have 2 advices as someone that has been there:

1. The fact that he doesn't move in with you doesn't mean that you can't help him in other ways, i don't know him personally but i learned in my case that humor was the best way to connect with me and teach me things.

2. I belive that he has ambition to change but he just doesn't show it, encourage him to accomplish small things/dreams and it would make wonders.

 

I did this twice as a young adult, married but without any kids. Brother-in-law struggled with conformity and dropped out of high school. Parents' homes weren't a good fit so came to live with us for a few months. It was a lot of stress, especially on my wife, to have him there. He found work and busted his butt to afford his own apartment, but it wasn't really sustainable again because of conformity issues. He joined the military on my urging but couldn't fit the lifestyle and got discharged. Eventually went back to parents. Years later he's now doing fine, working hard at a good job. So that case was a guy who was motivated, and it was short term, and it was still hard. Second one was a little younger. Lived with us to finish his last year of high school, and he got accepted to a college and moved on. That was a solid year, also very hard and stressful on us. We were in our 20s and having to deal with veteran parent stuff -- what to do for education, applying to colleges, getting a car, finding work when you have no experience, sexuality, house rules, chores, managing money and debt, etc. He was not mature enough to live with us as a roommate, but not so young as to be just a kid. He now resents some of the choices I made back then. I did it because family is that important. I think now that I was foolish to do it. But at the same time, it was a critical, formative time for them and I think they are better off now because I was too dumb to say no back then. So there's that. If you are dumb enough to let him come, he won't be stuck in a rut forever. Something has to give and then his time with you will be over.

One thing I had that you don't seem to have is a time horizon. My first bro-in-law wanted to get work and be self-sufficient as soon as possible, so there was a plan for how to move forward. The second one was going to go to college. You need some kind of roadmap of stay until you accomplish X and then you won't need us anymore.

 

Well, his lack of communication is probably a good indicator that he's a little self centered. RED FLAG!!!

 

Well, it is Florida...