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Please Advice Please

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by Derp McFlopsky, Oct 11, 2018 at 10:20 AM.

  1. Derp McFlopsky

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    My bro in law is 20. Almost 21. Lives in a smaller college town but has zero ambition. Like, doesn't have a driver's license, sits and waits at the mall for hours on end to get a ride home while also complaining about lack of hours at menial jobs zero ambition. And kind of the brooding teenage boy sort...even officially past his teens.

    Just asked to move in with us... My wife is thankfully a rather intelligent woman and knows we can't just become his mommy and daddy, nor would that really help him get on his feet. He's been totally enabled in a mentality of not doing much and we sincerely don't have the time or money or will to continue that for him.

    Had a sit down talk, told him about 10 things he needs to start doing if we were going to consider it. Get a license, save up, get a car, get more hours, work hard, so on, so forth. All seemed like fair points, all seemed like it was received well but all seemed like stuff he's been hearing since he graduated high school too.

    So now what? Hound him about it? Sit back and wait? I want him to feel like we're here to help if he needs it but I kind of feel like he's asking too much from 2 people with full time jobs, a 2 year old and plenty of other responsibilities like regular ass adults have.
     
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  2. ima_drummer2k

    ima_drummer2k Contributing Member

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    If you let him move in with you, it's going to end VERY BADLY for all involved. Having a talk with him isn't going to help - if that helped, don't you think he would have changed by now?

    You're probably going to end up letting him move in no matter how many people tell you not to, but I think it's a horrible idea. And it's probably going to end up negatively affecting your marriage.
     
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  3. Pizza_Da_Hut

    Pizza_Da_Hut I put on pants for this?
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    Look, in disputes between partners and family lines don't always draw the way you think they will. While your wife might be on your side now, one phrase, one complaint, one issue could flip even the most logical person. Don't, I repeat, don't let him move in because more than anything it could be a threat to your marriage. Obviously, I don't know your wife, I just say, worse case out of this is that it drives a wedge between you two.

    Also, people only change if they really want to. Direction and structure are great for people who already are moving or even thinking about moving in the right direction. It sounds like this guy isn't there yet. The best you can do is show you care, but remember that you and your wife are your number one priority.
     
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  4. Pizza_Da_Hut

    Pizza_Da_Hut I put on pants for this?
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    I say this as a guy who at one point had a cumulative GPA in college of 1.6. I was smart but burnt out. Eventually I got my **** together, brought my GPA up to a 3.4 and went to grad school to get my PhD. I had tons of people sit me down, even my parents set terms for me living with them, none of it helped. I just decided one day I'm too smart to sell PCs at BestBuy. I wanted more, even if it was to just be a manager.
     
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  5. Fyreball

    Fyreball Contributing Member

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    When he asked to move in, what was the reasoning given?? Does he just want someone to take care of him?? Where are your wife's parents in all this? I'm guessing that you're probably going to relent and say yes because at the end of the day, he's family, and you don't turn your back on family, but with it would have to come serious stipulations. Also, given that he's your wife's brother, I would say those stipulations should be enforced by her. Ultimately, unless this results in him taking responsibility for his life, it's probably going to end badly......but I can understand the feeling of guilt if you never even tried to help. It's a tough spot to be in, man.

    Edit: I agree with everything @Pizza_Da_Hut said. However, it still doesn't make your decision any easier.
     
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  6. daywalker02

    daywalker02 Easter Egg Hunter - Tell me why? نحن عائلة
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    Wonder are there no other relatives who could take him in?

    I also gravitate toward rather not letting him moving in. Cons outweigh here for me.

    As you said in your text above, dude got no ambition whatsoever, and I guess he isn't going to move out soon.
     
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  7. Falcons Talon

    Falcons Talon Contributing Member
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    That's a tough one. Of course you want to help family, but is it helping him get on his feet or is it his easy way out?
    With a 2 year old child in the mix, does he have any habits that can be a danger to your child?

    The situation sounds like something that can end up on Dr. Phil.
     
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  8. Haymitch

    Haymitch Contributing Member

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    For me, having a 2 year old would automatically make his request DOA. You have other, far more important **** to do; you do not have time for a 21 year old child.

    If there were no child, I might still reject it. If I didn't reject it, it would only be if several conditions were met before and during the move-in. And there would be a non-negotiable end-date. "We'll help you, but first you must do A, B, C. While you're here, you will do D, E, F. And you will have officially moved everything out by xx/xx/xxxx."
     
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  9. B-Bob

    B-Bob my celli weighs a ton
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    [​IMG]
     
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  10. moestavern19

    moestavern19 Throbbing Member
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    The integrity of the immediate family > the excess of the extended family
     
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  11. Invisible Fan

    Invisible Fan Insider Newsletter™ 2X Diamond Member
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    It you're trying to have a family, it'll be hard to do that with him not taking control of his life. I think it's somewhat easier that it's on your wife's side if you go through with it.

    Give him a time table as a condition, like tell him it usually takrs at least 90 days to find a job, give him stay for 6 months to get back on track, then deliver tough love in order to shock his system into survival mode.

    Instead of being led by guilt and obligation, tell him why you two are letting him move in, to genuinely help him get his life back on track and either you define what that means or you all agree on what his ambition means.

    He might stay past that for a year but at least let him know you do support and love him, but he has to lve his life his way if the time comes to be the villain (out of love without enabling and out of self interest), and kick him out
     
    #11 Invisible Fan, Oct 11, 2018 at 12:39 PM
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2018 at 12:49 PM
  12. droxford

    droxford Member

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    Definitely don't let him stay with you. That's actually worse for him. He needs to fall in order to change his life around.

    ...but don't tell him that. I suggest you tell him no, and don't give a reason. Tell him you love him and care about him, but just can't.
     
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  13. Ziggy

    Ziggy Tastemaker
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    If it was me in that scenario. I'd let him move in. Change my phone number. Pack my stuff up in the night in secret. Leave and never come back.
     
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  14. Blake

    Blake Contributing Member

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    Not unless he is homeless if you don't let him move in
     
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  15. Snow Villiers

    Snow Villiers Member

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    Don't do it breh.
     
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  16. Newlin

    Newlin Member

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    Why does he want to move in with YOU? Is there some reason he can't move in with his mother or father? Where is he living now?
     
  17. Derp McFlopsky

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    Lives with his parents currently. Has a grandma and uncle but I don’t think either is a wholly different situation than it is now. I think they all look at us as rich, when really we both just work hard and live right. We’re definitely middle class lol...

    Thanks to all responses. Kinda more helpful than I was expecting lol!

    My wife is a solid lady thankfully and I don’t think we’d ever have a problem over this unless i kill him. I honestly don’t really want to do it but I think it would be doable if he really sets to the list of stuff we gave him. Sincerely, if he started doing *everything* we told him he might just realize he can do it himself.
     
  18. theimpossibles1

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    If you have these conditions, make sure they are fufilled BEFORE the move in.

    Once he is in, he is IN.
     
  19. Senator

    Senator Member

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    Are there more opportunities for him where you live? Many millennials who arent world bearers are still living with parents even after degrees and jobs. It makes less financial sense for them to buy a house... ever. Its great of you to open your doors to help family, dont listen to all the bitter cases here, but he should have a realistic plan in terms of where he can go given the salary of crappy mall jobs. Also, house rules such as clean dishes at night etc. You can make it work if hes open to communicating.
     
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  20. CometsWin

    CometsWin Listening to Tupac Westsiiiiide
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    No way.

    Pick him up and drop him off at the Army recruitment center. A couple years in the Army might get him going.
     
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