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Letters from dad

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by moestavern19, Oct 7, 2015.

  1. moestavern19

    moestavern19 Member

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    I just wanted a share a little personal anecdote. I have been estranged from my biological father for the past 25 years. He and my mother divorced and my mother remarried and we moved to a different state and I never heard from him.

    Growing up I didn't really think too much of it. I was only about 3 years old when my parents split and therefore I grew accustomed to life without him. When I reached adulthood I begin to think about him more. There was a lot of pain and regret from that time and my mother being emotionally damaged never really wanted to talk about that time.

    As I grew into adulthood I was curious about him. I knew he was still alive and living in the same small town in Montana where I was first born. When my grandfather passed away when I was 23, my uncle gave me a collection of letters he had received from my dad when they had corresponded back in the 80s. My uncle had tried to help him and offer him a job. There were about 20 letters he wrote and it gave me a glimpse into his world. He was horribly depressed, struggling with mental illness and trying to function in a world he could not understand.

    I read those letters often, studying every word, trying to figure out clues of what went so wrong in the marriage and if he had cared about me or not. About 2 years ago, my mother and stepfather returned to that small town in Montana to buy land and live out their retirement years back in the place they loved. My mother saw my father walking around town and it startled her. He passed on a message to her through a mutual fried saying that he was sorry for everything that happened and to tell me that he loved me.

    After hearing that, I was more compelled to reach out to him. I even located his address and started drafting my letter. I would write it and erase it every so often over the last couple years. I never really knew what to say.

    Finally a couple weeks ago I wrote the letter. I condensed it down to the bare minimum and left out a lot of irrelevant details. I simply expressed that I wanted to reach out to him, and that I understand a little bit more about why he left and I just wanted to let him know that I didn't hate him and he has a grandson and I'd like it if we could at least have a relationship.

    Only 3 days after he received the letter I had a response from him in my mail box. He had written 4 pages. He went on to explain that he had been diagnosed as autistic and had been heavily drugged for years afterward. Eventually he could not afford his medication any more and was virtually homeless for years, living in an abandoned camper addicted to alcohol and Xanax. He said he found a saving grace in a fellow transient, a woman who was mentally ill. He took care of her for years and she was the only thing in his life until she passed away in 2010 and it took a toll on him.

    He told me that he thought of me nearly every day and that he loved me dearly and kept the pictures he had of me in every room in his house.

    I responded to him via email with the email address he left. He eventually wrote me back and said that he will send me a long letter as he prefers to do that since he isn't at ease in the library checking his email.

    I guess what I have learned is that it is never to late to reach out. A man has to know where he comes from. So much of my own life is tied to this man I barely know, who also happens to be my father. We are now writing letters to each other and I hope to visit him in the near future so we can be reunited and he can meet his daughter-in-law and grandsons as well.

    Thanks for the TL;DR comments in advance.
     
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  2. R0ckets03

    R0ckets03 Contributing Member

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    Amazing story. I hope you and him are able to have some sort of a healthy relationship. Life is too short to hold grudges against family and friends. Glad you reached out to him. In some ways....I need to do the same with someone.
     
  3. Rocket River

    Rocket River Member

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    Never Too Late
    Inspirational

    Rocket River
     
  4. Yung-T

    Yung-T Member

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    Great story, I hope you three will meet in the near future and at least make up a bit for the stolen years.
     
  5. ima_drummer2k

    ima_drummer2k Contributing Member

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    Awesome story.

    Makes you realize how important dads are in their kids lives. I'm sure you already know this, but you now have the chance to reverse the cycle by being a great dad to your kid(s). Nothing you do in life is more important. Nothing.
     
  6. pippendagimp

    pippendagimp Member

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    must have been really difficult to be homeless in montana with the long harsh winters there. along with the drugs, depression, personal loss.....this man has endured a lot.
     
  7. MadMax

    MadMax Contributing Member

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    I love this. Thanks so much for sharing it.
     
  8. Haymitch

    Haymitch Custom Title
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    Good to hear that's everything has taken a positive turn. I can't relate personally since the only family I'm estranged from are some aunts/cousins who I never really knew and are actively pushing everyone away, but all the same I am always happy to hear stories like these.

    From your kid's perspective, it would be great if they were to have some sort of relationship. Of my two grandfathers, one was extremely antisocial and acted as though he hated having grandkids around and the other passed back when I was too young and dumb to realize how important it was to get to know him. I missed out on that and wish I hadn't.

    (Sorry for making this reply 99% about me. Seriously though good luck with everything!)
     
  9. Felixthecat

    Felixthecat Contributing Member

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    Great story, thank you for sharing. I'm a step father and I always wonder how my stepson will handle this once he is older. His father was deported after being convicted of drug trafficking.
     
  10. Rocketman95

    Rocketman95 Hangout Boy

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    Really happy for you, buddy. That was a very mature thing you've done and I know it had to be difficult for you based off comments you've made in the past.

    Man, between you and other stories I've heard lately with regards to fathers, I've actually been motiviated for the first time in a while to write. Who'd read a novel with various stories about fatherhood and the lives intertwined with Rockets' fandom?
     
  11. moestavern19

    moestavern19 Member

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    I do want my son to have a relationship with his grandfathers, because in the place of my father, my grandfather was amazing to me and when he passed away I felt like I had lost a parent in a lot of ways. Sadly for various reasons his other grandfather has alienated himself from the rest of the family with his actions, so reconnecting with my father would be important for all of us.
     
  12. moestavern19

    moestavern19 Member

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    I'm a stepfather too, and thats an issue that my stepson and I can handle together when he is ready to reach out. His father pretty much signed away all rights to him when he was still a baby. I know how hard it is living with a replacement father in the house, and those questions will inevitably come up.

    Side note: yesterday he scored his first touchdown for his 7th grade football team. We were in the stands screaming our heads off. It was such a cool moment.
     
  13. dragician

    dragician Member

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    Great story bro. It's never too late to start a relationship.
     
  14. FranchiseBlade

    FranchiseBlade Contributing Member
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    That's pretty cool stuff. I imagine it might have been difficult. From an outside point of view (meaning I have no idea how I'd actually react if it were me) it seems like it might be easy to be caught up in being angry that he wasn't around, that your mother suffered emotional pain because of the relationship. Until recently it doesn't sound you were able to hear his side of the story.

    I think it would be easy to form a negative opinion having not had a more complete picture until recently. Being able to push through it, or not deal with that at all is really commendable. I'm sure your father had a lot of pain about the whole situation as well.
     
  15. EssTooKayTD

    EssTooKayTD Contributing Member

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    Wow man, thanks for sharing. I have two young boys of my own, and have a soft spot for anything father-son related. I can't even imagine the amount of pain endured by both sides. If I had to live life without my children, it would be so much to deal with by itself. Your father had all this other stuff too??

    Big ups to you as well for reaching out. I HAS to mean everything to him. I wish you guys the best.
     
  16. moestavern19

    moestavern19 Member

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    It was just a sore subject. Even so many years later my mom would just well up with tears when it was brought up. I couldn't really make her relive that so when I received those letters from my uncle, it gave me a window into what had happened and what was going on.

    I had to really look at things objectively after only really hearing generalities my mother rationalized about what happened with him.

    It is really an amazing story what my father has been through in his life. I'm honestly kind of fascinated by hearing more about and have thought about maybe trying to turn in into a novel.
     
  17. gifford1967

    gifford1967 Contributing Member
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    That's great to hear. My father died when I was very young, but I have always felt a connection to him through my older brothers and sister.

    As a parent of an adopted daughter, I worry about how she will handle issues like this as she gets older. She's eight now and sometimes asks questions about her biological parents. Her mom was/is a serious drug addict and we really don't know anything about her father. I'd be even more worried if we still lived in Baltimore and there was a plausible possibility of establishing contact because I wouldn't want her to become entangled in all that destructive chaos.
     
  18. peleincubus

    peleincubus Member

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    good for you man. i bet that would probably mean the world to him if he could meet his grandchildren.

    i have a lot of things in common with this story. i have zero interest in talking to my dad. i wish him the best but he made his decision in regards to being involved in my life many many times.

    i have my 5 year old son in my life that needs me and that's more than enough.
     
  19. finalsbound

    finalsbound Contributing Member

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    your grandpa WAS one of the greatest men I've ever met. I'm so happy to hear you've begun healing thru understanding your bio dad and your relationship with him and your family.

    I really did not realize until getting into counseling this year how traumatic it was to be abandoned. it's quite a process to accept yourself when the man who is 1/2 your dna has never wanted any part of you. my heart goes out to every person who has had to deal with this...at some point you do get too old to blame everything on the sins of your parents but that **** is easier said than done.

    *hugs*
     
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  20. Yonkers

    Yonkers Contributing Member

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    Thanks for sharing man. Maybe you did it because it was cathartic for you but I want to let you know it was very touching for me. I appreciate it.
    Keep us up to date. I hope you guys get a chance to meet up and make up for some lost time.
     

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