Please Advice Please

If you let him move in with you, it's going to end VERY BADLY for all involved. Having a talk with him isn't going to help - if that helped, don't you think he would have changed by now?

You're probably going to end up letting him move in no matter how many people tell you not to, but I think it's a horrible idea. And it's probably going to end up negatively affecting your marriage.

 

Look, in disputes between partners and family lines don't always draw the way you think they will. While your wife might be on your side now, one phrase, one complaint, one issue could flip even the most logical person. Don't, I repeat, don't let him move in because more than anything it could be a threat to your marriage. Obviously, I don't know your wife, I just say, worse case out of this is that it drives a wedge between you two.

Also, people only change if they really want to. Direction and structure are great for people who already are moving or even thinking about moving in the right direction. It sounds like this guy isn't there yet. The best you can do is show you care, but remember that you and your wife are your number one priority.

 

I say this as a guy who at one point had a cumulative GPA in college of 1.6. I was smart but burnt out. Eventually I got my **** together, brought my GPA up to a 3.4 and went to grad school to get my PhD. I had tons of people sit me down, even my parents set terms for me living with them, none of it helped. I just decided one day I'm too smart to sell PCs at BestBuy. I wanted more, even if it was to just be a manager.

 

When he asked to move in, what was the reasoning given?? Does he just want someone to take care of him?? Where are your wife's parents in all this? I'm guessing that you're probably going to relent and say yes because at the end of the day, he's family, and you don't turn your back on family, but with it would have to come serious stipulations. Also, given that he's your wife's brother, I would say those stipulations should be enforced by her. Ultimately, unless this results in him taking responsibility for his life, it's probably going to end badly......but I can understand the feeling of guilt if you never even tried to help. It's a tough spot to be in, man.

Edit: I agree with everything @Pizza_Da_Hut said. However, it still doesn't make your decision any easier.

 

Wonder are there no other relatives who could take him in?

I also gravitate toward rather not letting him moving in. Cons outweigh here for me.

As you said in your text above, dude got no ambition whatsoever, and I guess he isn't going to move out soon.

 

That's a tough one. Of course you want to help family, but is it helping him get on his feet or is it his easy way out?
With a 2 year old child in the mix, does he have any habits that can be a danger to your child?

The situation sounds like something that can end up on Dr. Phil.

 

For me, having a 2 year old would automatically make his request DOA. You have other, far more important **** to do; you do not have time for a 21 year old child.

If there were no child, I might still reject it. If I didn't reject it, it would only be if several conditions were met before and during the move-in. And there would be a non-negotiable end-date. "We'll help you, but first you must do A, B, C. While you're here, you will do D, E, F. And you will have officially moved everything out by xx/xx/xxxx."

 

The integrity of the immediate family > the excess of the extended family

 

It you're trying to have a family, it'll be hard to do that with him not taking control of his life. I think it's somewhat easier that it's on your wife's side if you go through with it.

Give him a time table as a condition, like tell him it usually takrs at least 90 days to find a job, give him stay for 6 months to get back on track, then deliver tough love in order to shock his system into survival mode.

Instead of being led by guilt and obligation, tell him why you two are letting him move in, to genuinely help him get his life back on track and either you define what that means or you all agree on what his ambition means.

He might stay past that for a year but at least let him know you do support and love him, but he has to lve his life his way if the time comes to be the villain (out of love without enabling and out of self interest), and kick him out

 

Definitely don't let him stay with you. That's actually worse for him. He needs to fall in order to change his life around.

...but don't tell him that. I suggest you tell him no, and don't give a reason. Tell him you love him and care about him, but just can't.

 

If it was me in that scenario. I'd let him move in. Change my phone number. Pack my stuff up in the night in secret. Leave and never come back.

 

Not unless he is homeless if you don't let him move in

 

Don't do it breh.

 

Why does he want to move in with YOU? Is there some reason he can't move in with his mother or father? Where is he living now?

 

If you have these conditions, make sure they are fufilled BEFORE the move in.

Once he is in, he is IN.

 

Are there more opportunities for him where you live? Many millennials who arent world bearers are still living with parents even after degrees and jobs. It makes less financial sense for them to buy a house... ever. Its great of you to open your doors to help family, dont listen to all the bitter cases here, but he should have a realistic plan in terms of where he can go given the salary of crappy mall jobs. Also, house rules such as clean dishes at night etc. You can make it work if hes open to communicating.

 

No way.

Pick him up and drop him off at the Army recruitment center. A couple years in the Army might get him going.